The wind whirling around in my room reminds me of how I need silence in my life. This sound of the whirl makes me want to settle down, to feel it whirling, to become the center and simply observe. It makes me want to let it touch me, feel me, sense me, feed me and most of all love me. Sometimes I feel that the silence I’m looking for is within me, but where. Which itch do I scratch or wound that I dig to reach there? To truly feel myself again? Where am I losing myself? No spirituality helps. No emotions help. No therapy helps. Just like my heart, the silence too seems to have hidden itself behind the walls that I’ve built so intricately. How long do I have to watch that wall? Should I wait for it destroy itself or should I? Do I have the tools? It’s these feelings that I run away from and the silence that I seek that seem to be turning into a demon that I don’t wish to face.
This noise is keeping me from truly feeling myself, turning me into a corporate zombie. Eat, drink, poop, work, sleep, repeat! What does anyone get from these? When are we truly going to feel ourselves? When am I ever going to feel myself again?
Maybe I need love to break those walls, they say “Love transcends all boundaries”? Is it all I need? Is it what I’ve needed since that one incident in my childhood? How much forgiveness will it take for me to heal that wound? So long has it been that I’ve felt truly loved, it seems to be losing meaning. Any love I receive is from the elements and they too are losing touch with me. I rarely visit them, caress them. And what about self-love; do I truly love myself? I do get glimpses of that when I’m doing what I like to do, saying what my truth is whenever I can, getting myself into therapies, truly feeling my feminine, and my masculine.
5 years ago, my dysphoria shattered my former self. I started understanding life and myself from a very different perspective leading me to so many questions with no answers, no help, no understanding. It took what felt like an eternity for me to get enough answers to start feeling comfortable about and with myself. When I most needed a lover, I was dumped because of what she and I didn’t understand back then. How I wish she were now alive to see me grow. She’d have been so proud of me and I say that with pure love for her. Us humans can be shallow that way by denigrating people who abandon us when we most need them because they failed to understand something that we believe they should have or had at least hung around to understand with us. But when you love someone, you really know that you do love someone and it reveals a lot about us, not just to ourselves but also to the one we love.
Love in my life has been what is now the wind in my room. It gives me hope of something better to come and yet keeps eluding me, not letting me feel it fully. One way to feel it fully is to feel my breath deeply. The warmth or the chill of it, the pace, the texture, the smell, the nostalgia it might trigger. How apt that both my names, my power animals all have names that relate to wind. I am all wind. I am all sound.