Please accept my gratitude as I reach out to your spirits. I don’t know what to call you for I am still in human flesh. Brothers/Sisters/Sons/Daughters but I feel these designations are unnecessary for what I’m about to tell you and also wouldn’t exist in your realm to where you’ve retreated. I know you were here for a purpose and I pray you firmly accomplished all that you came here for. We lost you when we couldn’t even see you. Perhaps feel you but that’s all. You chose us to be the vehicles for your short and intense journey of reincarnation and death and I’m grateful to you to have given us that experience. Yes, I speak to you even for her who no longer shares my journey. I know she must have had quite an experience too just like you did and I can only sympathize and empathize with all of you and her because sadly my journey with you was only limited to being an onlooker and a facilitator while I watched you slowly, and sometimes quickly, exit this realm. I watched the blood shed, felt the agony of loss and intense pain that she must have gone thru. I felt it deeply too.
I thank you for blessing us with that opportunity to feel those emotions, that loss, for we definitely were better people for ourselves after that. You chose us many times, frankly I’ve lost count, but I believe you were here to experience what it is like to retreat without even having seen the daylight, to have her experience motherhood but in a rather strange way, a way that humans do not frankly understand. I was related the story of Bheeshma, who was born the eighth son of Ganga, before which Ganga had to drown her first 7 children only to set them free of their karmic debt of previous lifetimes and I hope you achieved something on similar lines with us. I hope you are resting in peace now or have already come down to us in a form which I hope to someday meet in this lifetime. I’ll be glad to know you, feel you, hug you for I never got the chance. Maybe I have already met you and felt you in any form. Oh dear God, are you those dogs/bees/cockroaches that I have kicked or beaten or killed? Is that my rejection? Am I still rejecting you? Am I still rejecting myself?
I don’t know but what I do know is, because of your help, I have made steady progress, even if subconsciously. I feel you helped me create a different connection with my partner. A connection of emotion, devotion, and a different type of love that is very hard to describe. You made us understand how fragile and futile life is. How differently we look at everything including life and how seriously we take it. Probably because of your blessings, I have to come to acknowledge a different part of me. A part of me that was dishonored, excluded, feared, and was tethered to the society that refused to show up when I truly needed it.
Do I feel trauma for your loss? I don’t feel I did back then for I am a human, given just 5 senses that were working overtime to return her to a better state. That was my love for her but it was one way street back then. I can’t disagree that I tried hard. But back then I don’t feel I was fully capable of feeling the emotions that must have been sweeping thru her and me. I’m trying now. I feel some part of her and I feel you gone. I don’t feel anxious about it but I do feel that I have to tell you, I loved you so much even before I saw you or truly felt you. You had filled me up to the brim with happiness. I always paved way to the wish to have you only to be made to feel inadequate, unloved. While she had me, I had no one. I feel I knowingly suppressed you into me and never truly processed your loss but I feel you now and I feel my loss. You won’t believe that I once, not so long ago, had quite a night remembering all of you.
And now I write to you, to let you know, you were a part of me, before my human senses could ever feel you and now that you are gone, I have the right to release and relinquish you for I have to move on. I can’t hold you for it is a disservice to you and I, both. You have to move on and so do I. And today I release you. I tell you to please find peace as I’m finding mine. I tell you find your path as I’m finding mine. You have a further purpose and I’m still finding mine and you’ll only hold me back. If at all, you wish to help me, please let me know that it is you, so I can honor you first for I never got that chance. You made the effort but returned. I have no right to grind over your purpose but thank you for choosing as your vehicle. I hold no grudge, no fear, only true love for all of you in whichever way you were with me – born or unborn. You will never be looked at differently. For YOU WERE ME!
Please Forgive Me.
I Love You.